Tomorrow is always a sad day for me. Even though it comes right after Christmas, it’s been a sad day for me for the past 15 years.
During the decades I spent overweight, fat had a big impact on my life. My appearance kept me from enjoying many activities, made me feel shy and awkward with people, and impacted my relationships.
I hid whenever possible. I dressed in black and stayed in the background. I hoped no one would notice me in crowds or at events. I grew very uncomfortable whenever attention came my way because of my size. You can imagine the horror I felt when my sister Paula asked me to be in her wedding party. It was 1991 and I was at a “medium” weight, having regained some 60 lbs after a 3-year hiatus from sugar and white flour. The weight had returned, as it always did, with a vengeance.
I was even more horrified when I saw the dresses she had picked out!
Talk about a cliché! The horrible bridesmaid dress!
My youngest sister, Pam, was even more concerned about wearing the shiny, lacy covered dress than I was. Not only did she battle her own weight problem, she was pregnant, necessitating a slightly different gown shape.
“Yikes,” I told her. “They’re horrible! We’ll look like French whores coming down the aisle!”
Pam, whose Texas accent elongates every word, shook her head in agreement and rubbed her growing baby belly.
“And I’m going to look like the one who made a mistake,” she said.
We considered refusing the bright blue confections. We plotted accidents with chlorine bleach. We wracked our brains for a way out. I think we even considered batgirl capes.
But, in the end, we wore them.
That’s what you do for your sister. You put aside your own concerns about what people will think. You grin and bear it. You pray people will drink too much and not remember. You burn the pictures later.
Actually, I destroyed many pictures in those days. When it came time to find photos for this blog, I couldn’t find many fat ones. It was denial – my way of pretending I didn’t weigh over 200 lbs.
But my search for pictures turned up the ones you see here. Tucked away. Someone must have sent them to me because they weren’t the formal wedding pictures.
And though they filled the bill of “fat pictures” I needed, I hated seeing them. You see, they reminded me of that day – December 28, 1991 – when Pam and I put aside our pride and walked down the aisle in the brightest blue silk available while the middle sister of three got married.
Seeing these pictures, I was reminded of the fact that it was a happy day for her, maybe her happiest.
But it was a hard day for me personally. I couldn’t get over the discomfort I felt in my own skin. I was so unhappy with myself and my size. I was fixated on my weight and on dieting. I tried every crazy diet that came along, alternately losing and gaining pounds and pounds of fat. That huge blue dress emphasized my weight. I couldn’t deny it.
In those days, I never lived in the present. I lived in the future when I’d be thin (again) (maybe for a minute) (once more).
So I hid. I smiled when I had to. And my own absorption in my misery detracted greatly from my experience with my sisters that day. Like all things past, I can’t go back now and enjoy the day differently.
Today, I’ve grown past that point. I live in the now. My enjoyment of life has changed drastically. I don’t live for the future when a diet might change my life for me. Years ago, I went straight to the heart of my discomfort and changed my life by giving up my daydream and diets at the same time. And I left behind the excess weight for good.
But my discomfort that day was a communication to me that something wasn’t aligned in my life.
I wish I could say my sister Paula had experienced the changes in my life and confidence since then. I wish I could say I had experienced her life once I learned to live in the present moment and be content with myself.
But my sister died in 1995.
And these pictures are some of the last I have of our shared lives.
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Some things are put in perspective when we realize how fragile life is. It’s unfortunate that sometimes that’s what it takes to wake us up, sort to speak.
I’m glad that you’ve risen above the trials & continue on your journey.
Thanks for sharing these pictures and this story. I can empathize – my weight goes up and down, mostly based on life circumstances. I definitely don’t feel comfortable in my own skin sometimes, and it’s a horrible feeling.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister. That’s an additional dose of perspective – sometimes in our internal battles we don’t realize we could lose so much more, and the weight or body image issues will pale by comparison. These shared moments will always be with you though – outfits so wretched (and those hats!!!) that you can only laugh! This is just the kind of predicament my best friend and I might find ourselves in. It brings us closer to survive. 😉
“French whores coming down the isle…” <—- that totally made me LOL which probably burned about 10 calories, so I thank you Pat. You are such an inspiration to me. I am so glad we are online friends. Keep up the great work! XoXO — Carole
I am so sorry about your sister. It is to bad she could not experience all of the change and good things with you.
The picture thing! I am the same way. I have had more pictures taken of me in the last 1-2 years than ever before. I have not changed all that much on the outside but I look at myself differenlty now, weird.
Believe it or not I have that exact same dress in black and green Senior Prom 90. LOL
Sometimes I think we should grab every high school senior who hates his/her weight and shake them til they FREEZE! No dieting, no obsession, no weight gain. We’d all be so much happier without the diet game that leads to MORE WEIGHT. After years of diet failures, the high school weight starts to look pretty good!
What a funny and also heartbreaking post. That dress… UNBELIEVABLE. Could ANYone look good in a dress like that? And the feathered hair thingie? Oh dear.
So very sorry to read about the loss of your sister. (hug)
Thank you so much for that story. It makes me remember of all the things that I’ve put on hold until I become a certain size or weight. I’ve been to many a family occasion where I’m so disgusted with how I look or how other people think I look, that I never have any enjoyment of life or of friends and family. I want to live for TODAY, and remember every little thing , whether big or small that happened.
Thank you for having the personal courage, and perspective, to share your pictures. I am so sorry you lost your sister…but somehow she *does* know you’ve changed your perspective and your outlook on life, and she knows you love her and always will.
What ARE those things on your heads?! (giggle)
As to your comment on high schoolers…thank you. I starved 42 lbs. off myself in less than 6 months in high school because I wanted to be THIN. Needless to say that royally screwed up my metabolism. Now (hundreds of years later!), I have learned that “thin” isn’t the only important thing. I like to focus on things like eating well, keeping healthy, giving my body the gift of fresh air and exercise, artistic and spiritual pursuits, and deeply appreciating life and the many wonderful people in it. Hugs to you, Pat.
Thanks so much for your comments. Those things are bizarre little net pooftahs attached to a comb! What you wear for love!
@Pat: Oh, yes. What you said about high school weight? Right on the money. I weighed 130 pounds in high school and thought I was a cow.
Time (not to mention a little perspective) really does change everything. 🙂