Sending a son off to college is a challenge.  I expected that.

You expect emotional impact on your “momself.”  The cost is astonishing!  Then, there’s the uphill climb through amazing hills of paperwork, applications for everything from residence halls to scholarships to individual study programs.

What I never expected was the guilt-evoking barrage of sales packages, all suggesting ways to spend money to alleviate the “momguilt” of sending junior from his childhood home into the big, bad world.

Get this one, which arrived today:

After a long lead-in about how lonely and bereft DS would be at the big/intimidating university,  and the assurance that the big/intimidating university will be doing their part to help the student assimilate, I am reminded that most students don’t get enough encouragement from home!

Momguilt!!

However, in our foodcentric and food focused society, there is really only ONE answer!

FOOD!

All I have to do is purchase a handy, prepackaged “care package” for my son to be delivered to his college residence hall, the perfect setup for some poor behavior with food like binge eating and emotional eating.

Items include:  Kraft easy mac & cheese, Kellogg’s pop tarts, Nabisco mini chips ahoy, Nabisco toasted peanut butter crackers, Quaker oatmeal-to-go, oreo cookies, Keebler grahams, M&Ms peanut candies, milk chocolate peanut chews, smarties candies, Welch’s fruit snacks, M&Ms plain candies, Quaker Granola bars, smile bender toy, Kar’s sweet & salty mix, dum dum lollipops, minicow tales candy, fruity Cherrios cereal, Mike & Ike fruit candy, Kar’s Toffee Apple Nut Crunch, Kellogg’s rice krispies mini treats, Act II Kettlecorn popcorn, Kar’s granola mix and Realemon coookies.

Are you f*%^ing kidding me?

I wouldn’t put ANY of these things in my house and I’m going to send this kind of junk food to school?

Where brains are supposed to FUNCTION?

And what’s the “smile bender toy”?  I stopped drive-thru fast food when he was four years old when I realized McDonalds had trained/bribed him to ask for a “happy” meal.

Besides a virtual list of “name brands”, they all contain high doses of sugar, chemicals and preservatives.

Doesn’t it sound like universities could use my consulting and coaching services to help them create a healthier learning environment?

I don’t claim to have been the best parent on earth, but does this look like a kid who’s going to eat a box of cookies because he’s lonely?

 

No, he has developed an ability to make friends that’s more advanced than many adults.

I think we’ve got “lonely” covered by healthier actions.